Wednesday, February 27, 2013

UPDATE : All are Gone in I left Behind

I want to tell you about my self. I don't really like or easy to tell every friends/ family about my condition. But lately I got a lot of hardship, and I can't handle all of them in these two years...
Yes, I am depressed... mostly in 2012 and 2013.
I have a lot of school friends, play friends etc... I also have some foreign friends that really awesome in God...

since 2007 I started hang out with those whites ( there are a bunch of them, and mostly i forgot their name), but my english still really totaly bad, so I couldn't talk with them. I got 2 very great sisters at that time Tiff and Abbie. also very wonderful brothers Peco, Mas Yo and Mas Aswan (Yo and Aswan are Indonesian). But because of work, Tiff and Peco leaved. And I started to doesn't have anyone to talk (except my own brother).

 After that in 2009 I got the German Melanie as my new sister, I always played at her house, we always hang out together. I also had SI's Christine and Leah, they are great too. but Melanie leaved to another island for working too. and last year Christine and Leah back home to the States too.
In 2010, I got Kathryn and Amber. And they are really like sisters for me, they knew my stories, they knew everything, they knew about my love story too, and Amber leaved last year, back to the States (in the hardest months in my life, because of the US College and SAT) but Kathryn still here.

 I also got Val and American Melanie too. They are super, Val was super crazy and funny. Melanie i really like her, she was the only one who know about my real love story first, she's the only place that i can't talk about The Guy in My Heart (He still the same guy that i like since last year, never change and just call him TGIMH) but Val went back to States last year, and Melanie left to another island last week. It is really hard for me!! Also I got SI's Kari as my great sisters too. But she will leave this town soon! also with my German sister Dun Ja, Next week she will fly to live in another island! And Kathryn will leave soon too!!

My "brothers" Jonathan and Seth also will leave soon, you know Jo is my neighbor he was always help me, and he will leave too! And most my adult friends who was always teach me, guide me, and give me advises also bring me back to God, will leave me soon! You know what Im feeling? it's like im drowning, I feel they left me behind!! TGIMH also will leave! so it's like, everyone who always makes me happy will leave me to another place. My own brother will back to his school, and I should go to Jakarta (I don't like this, but my life forced it) and leave my friends and family here, it's means include Abbie.


I want to live in a place that I want, and with people that I like and love!This year so hard for me Because I just gave up my dream to go to Calvin, because I don't have so much money. I forced to go to Jakarta (but that's ok..only 3 yrs for bachelor, im lucky right! after that, I can fly to UK) and there are some problem in home too.. also my relationship with TGIMH getting different, and he is changes.. But that's OK, he still a great guy. And about school, I hate senior year, it's really tiring and boring, I can't prepare well for National Exam, because my brain just like stop working!

I just don't know what I should do right now. My life always suck! everyone always left me behind! I always alone again. I still can have fun with my same age friends, but these mature friends can really help me mentally, but they always left me. and in fact I WILL LEAVE Abbie.. she's like my half soul.. she just like my own sister. And I will LEAVE my family and my dog, and my best friends at school, to live in another place ALONE. I just want to stab myself, I am totally tired with this life. I was have someone on my side, but now... I don't really have anyone again! That's why i feel alone again.

Everytime I remember if soon I will be alone again, (and will not stay near him for i don't know until when) I remember this verse from Tay Swift
"Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured outCan't breathe whenever you're goneCan't turn back now Im haunted".. ya.. tottaly, I can't turn back,  ..

Cinta Carnelian
Should I believe in this ? Matthew 6:24 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Yes LORD I will try to believe that!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

UPDATE : Enlighten by GOD, Love, Happiness and Sorrow

 1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 

   How long will you hide your face from me? 

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; 

   my heart rejoices in your salvation.  (Psalm 13 : 1, 5)

For everyone who know me, this January and this last two weeks are the hardest days. I always feel sorrow that never end. I can't talk to anyone, I can't share my pain, I should act to be happy. But Im tired... Im tired to hide anything. Everyone know that Im not an open person, it hard for me to tell something to anyone. I can't talk about my sorrows to my family, to my school or same age friends, also I can't talk about it with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Usually, I talk with my great friend, but my great friend was not around in that month. So,I felt alone. I really felt alone, I cried. I wrote all of my sorrow in my Facebook too. because I thought it's the only media that can handle me well.. Everyday I went back to school,went to my room n never showing again, i cried at my room, and feel the emptiness in my heart grown bigger, bigger and bigger. I start to talk with Abbie, and Danielle. They gave me advises. Also my brothers n sisters in Christ. But I think nothing really gave me solution.

And something really hard happened in my life. Also a thing that in fact I'm not happy planning to go to President University in Jakarta (even though that's a International univ) I feel that place isn't for me, but my dad already payed for the down payment. I also want to go somewhere else to catch my dream even though President has International Relations major in it. I really angry with GOD because all the hardship that he gave to me. Everytime i feel happy, I will feel sorrow that will never end!! Last week, I really really angry with GOD. I felt He betrayed me, I don't want to pray or read the Holy Bible at all, I told Him "You took everything from me, you makes me confused with my decision. I am Tired with all of this!" But my heart told me, to still believe in Him, to still praise His glory. after 2 days angry with GOD. A lot of my friends told me about GOD will never betrayed him, they gave me bible phrase that I should read, also I tried to find Christian books about Forgiving, or seeking peace or the power of prayers. I felt angry and I couldn't sleep at all... I felt guilty, and I closed my eyes to try sleep. And I heard something talked to my heart. Told me and reminded me about my dream that i heard since in the Middle School, he said "You'll get a lot of benefits if you go to President, it will be only 3 yrs n 4 month to get International Bachelor degree in International Relations ,not 5 years like in the other colleges. After that if you want you can take Master Degree in Dispute and Conflict Resolution (Did I tell you if I want to work as an International Negotiator for a non-profit Organization, to help people and serve His name?) and go to the other school that you want. only about 7 years,that's all you want since long time ago." and that "something" just stopped talking, and I felt peace for the first time. peace that I never feel for quite few times, always worrying and felt sorrow. I feel really PEACE in my heart. After that I prayed, and said thank you to Him, and slept.

And everything just get better after that! I can talk with my brother again, and my parents too. They really love the idea that told me that night, also they like my dream that I never tell them before. My brother really helped me too, and he asked me to pray for the whole weeks about it. We believe if God really want me to do that, He will provide everything. Also I talked to the German Melanie about it, and she gave me great information too... and I met my great friend,and we talked again, and he gave me advises again. 

And I don't know why, this week is awesome for me. Im not a a girl who loves smiling. but this week I can't stop smiling, I feel GOD really with me everyday, in my side and like that. I started to learning Bible deeply, with writing Bible Journal too. I started with Psalm, do you remember The Guy That I Like? He always tell me to read Psalm if im sad, or feel empty. He is right, I find a lot of wonderful thing in Psalm. And these are my favorite parts that really enlighten me:
Psalm 13 NIV

   1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 

   How long will you hide your face from me? 

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart? 
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God. 

   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; 

   my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

6 I will sing the LORD’s praise, 
   for he has been good to me.

also these from Psalm 22 : 1-2 and 30-31
 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

   Why are you so far from saving me, 

   so far from my cries of anguish? 
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, 
   by night, but I find no rest.[b]

30 Posterity will serve him; 

   future generations will be told about the Lord. 

31 They will proclaim his righteousness, 
   declaring to a people yet unborn: 
   He has done it!

And now I feel something like, God, He gave me sorrow and sadness to make me closer to HIM and listen to His voice more. And when I started to walk near him again, He is giving me a bright light of peace and He makes me realize how Great is our God, and How BIG is His glory... Also I keep my faith on Him, and He takes care of it wonderfully. And finally I feel there are a lot of people here that always loving me and stay in my side, include the guy that I like who still helps me much.
Thank you God, Thank you family and friends, also thank you The Guy That I Like.. All of you makes me realize how I only need God to talk with and to trust with, not only with humans..
GOD is Good, isn't He?

Cinta Carnelian

Friday, February 1, 2013

TBT Actually Friday : "Soccer" P.E Class with 12th Language Class

Heeey Everyone, it's been almost a week I didn't write anything.. How are you all,
Yesterday I really want to write a Throw Back Thursday, but because I was too tired, I post it today, on FRIDAY!!

Me with the soccer ball

Yesterday I had P.E class in the town square (sometimes we practice soccer there) FYI : I was a good soccer player when I was in Elementary School and Middle School, but my ankle getting weaker, and weaker and my allergy to sunshine getting worst on Middle School, so I stopped since in High School! And im enjoying become a girly girl... hahahahaha...

We also had Soccer Lesson on September, We learnt Inside of the foot steps, Dribbling, chip cross, shooting and etc. But you know right, if my 12th grades Language class only consist of 4 boys over 27 girls, it means after we done the lesson, we have fun time! and like usual.. I took pictures!

Anton he is great at soccer


watch hour Hair Ita

Karin and I love mr. Yellow ball so much!

Novi and Karin posing in the field 

Mr. ANDI MURMANA our PE class teacher

Mr. AGUS he is our PE teacher too

Left-right : Me, Novie, Karin, Vena, Deby y'know, girls

Some of my girl friends posing in our way to go back to school

My guy best friends in Class : Yosep, Anton and Archi (oh my, look at their poses)

Seto the tetua "elder" in our class

Can you see it, how fun is our PE class ? (I mean the funniest thing is only the taking picture time for me) There're a lot of reasons why I really love my classmates!!!

Can you see it?

Cinta Carnelian