Wednesday, February 13, 2013

UPDATE : Enlighten by GOD, Love, Happiness and Sorrow

 1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 

   How long will you hide your face from me? 

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; 

   my heart rejoices in your salvation.  (Psalm 13 : 1, 5)

For everyone who know me, this January and this last two weeks are the hardest days. I always feel sorrow that never end. I can't talk to anyone, I can't share my pain, I should act to be happy. But Im tired... Im tired to hide anything. Everyone know that Im not an open person, it hard for me to tell something to anyone. I can't talk about my sorrows to my family, to my school or same age friends, also I can't talk about it with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Usually, I talk with my great friend, but my great friend was not around in that month. So,I felt alone. I really felt alone, I cried. I wrote all of my sorrow in my Facebook too. because I thought it's the only media that can handle me well.. Everyday I went back to school,went to my room n never showing again, i cried at my room, and feel the emptiness in my heart grown bigger, bigger and bigger. I start to talk with Abbie, and Danielle. They gave me advises. Also my brothers n sisters in Christ. But I think nothing really gave me solution.

And something really hard happened in my life. Also a thing that in fact I'm not happy planning to go to President University in Jakarta (even though that's a International univ) I feel that place isn't for me, but my dad already payed for the down payment. I also want to go somewhere else to catch my dream even though President has International Relations major in it. I really angry with GOD because all the hardship that he gave to me. Everytime i feel happy, I will feel sorrow that will never end!! Last week, I really really angry with GOD. I felt He betrayed me, I don't want to pray or read the Holy Bible at all, I told Him "You took everything from me, you makes me confused with my decision. I am Tired with all of this!" But my heart told me, to still believe in Him, to still praise His glory. after 2 days angry with GOD. A lot of my friends told me about GOD will never betrayed him, they gave me bible phrase that I should read, also I tried to find Christian books about Forgiving, or seeking peace or the power of prayers. I felt angry and I couldn't sleep at all... I felt guilty, and I closed my eyes to try sleep. And I heard something talked to my heart. Told me and reminded me about my dream that i heard since in the Middle School, he said "You'll get a lot of benefits if you go to President, it will be only 3 yrs n 4 month to get International Bachelor degree in International Relations ,not 5 years like in the other colleges. After that if you want you can take Master Degree in Dispute and Conflict Resolution (Did I tell you if I want to work as an International Negotiator for a non-profit Organization, to help people and serve His name?) and go to the other school that you want. only about 7 years,that's all you want since long time ago." and that "something" just stopped talking, and I felt peace for the first time. peace that I never feel for quite few times, always worrying and felt sorrow. I feel really PEACE in my heart. After that I prayed, and said thank you to Him, and slept.

And everything just get better after that! I can talk with my brother again, and my parents too. They really love the idea that told me that night, also they like my dream that I never tell them before. My brother really helped me too, and he asked me to pray for the whole weeks about it. We believe if God really want me to do that, He will provide everything. Also I talked to the German Melanie about it, and she gave me great information too... and I met my great friend,and we talked again, and he gave me advises again. 

And I don't know why, this week is awesome for me. Im not a a girl who loves smiling. but this week I can't stop smiling, I feel GOD really with me everyday, in my side and like that. I started to learning Bible deeply, with writing Bible Journal too. I started with Psalm, do you remember The Guy That I Like? He always tell me to read Psalm if im sad, or feel empty. He is right, I find a lot of wonderful thing in Psalm. And these are my favorite parts that really enlighten me:
Psalm 13 NIV

   1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 

   How long will you hide your face from me? 

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart? 
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God. 

   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; 

   my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

6 I will sing the LORD’s praise, 
   for he has been good to me.

also these from Psalm 22 : 1-2 and 30-31
 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

   Why are you so far from saving me, 

   so far from my cries of anguish? 
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, 
   by night, but I find no rest.[b]

30 Posterity will serve him; 

   future generations will be told about the Lord. 

31 They will proclaim his righteousness, 
   declaring to a people yet unborn: 
   He has done it!

And now I feel something like, God, He gave me sorrow and sadness to make me closer to HIM and listen to His voice more. And when I started to walk near him again, He is giving me a bright light of peace and He makes me realize how Great is our God, and How BIG is His glory... Also I keep my faith on Him, and He takes care of it wonderfully. And finally I feel there are a lot of people here that always loving me and stay in my side, include the guy that I like who still helps me much.
Thank you God, Thank you family and friends, also thank you The Guy That I Like.. All of you makes me realize how I only need God to talk with and to trust with, not only with humans..
GOD is Good, isn't He?

Cinta Carnelian


  1. Hey Cinta,
    I'm so glad to read this! I know that this has been a really hard time for you, and I am very excited to know that God has brought you through and that you are able to smile, and trust, and hope, and have peace again. YES, GOD IS GOOD!

  2. Thanks Julie!! thanks to understand me too.. :)