Sunday, January 19, 2014

What Goodbye means

Like most of you know, I am a goodbye person (what?)
Okay I will explain it. 

Goodbye is a usual thing for me.. I live in this kind of situation, where I can be super close with anyone... then after quite few times, they gonna leave and say goodbye to me...
We might be keep in touch.... but might be not anymore, and just forgetting all the love and memories that we ever have....

It is NOT about love the amour one... It is the general love, the love of loyalty and the farewell of it. Im okay with break up with Boyfriend. but It is totally hurting me if i break up with my beloved friends.

I always attending a lot of farewell parties since I get into this circle of friendship. The friendship that my brother was letting me in. The relationships which I always get a great figures of brother, sister and best friend.

This friday, I just missed a farewell parties for 2 of my great "brothers". They are my brother's good friends, when my brother isn't here they become my brothers. So that was a farewell party for mas Yo Kecil and mas Hoho. (gladly my other "brothers" like mas Yo besar and mas Aswan are still here. Mbak Abbie still here too, also Alex Pinnington still always keep in touch with me). I missed that party because, Abe my good friend at the Uni Press asked me to replace him for reporting an event because he had a big meeting for the Uni Student Senate. He is my great friend, and he need my help so I said Okay for sure. I went to the party for about 10 minutes to shed some tears, hugs and take photos. After that I headed back to the University. After reporting then met Abe in the office building, he played guitar then sang some songs with his tired zombie face. While i listened to him my brain start to think something deeply (y'know i am a deep thinker)]
What is goodbye means in my life??

Since I was little, my parents move to a lot of cities... So I always make friends but then I left them, I said goodbyes for them, but that was not that hurting, because i was a kid..
Then my sister, she is a female, i want to be close to her. But since she was in Middle School she always studying in other big cities, and left me, until sometime i feel if i don't really have a proper figure of sister, because since  I was in elementary school, it is hard for me to know her.
And after my brother working in a American Organization he told me to hang out with his American or European co-workers. Then since 8 years ago I hanged out with them and their circle of friends include mas Yo besar and kecil, mas Hoho, mas Aswan also Abbie P and any other else. Finally the little Cinta found another figure of sister and brother that can treat me like family, and put me in a comfort zone. After I love them too much, then they start to move one by one to other places, and sometime it is so hard to keep in touch with them. So I lost those people figures.

Another groups come and they will go too after I love them so much... I feel sad because I felt I lost those people who already like my own family, who always become my listener and comforter, then might be so hard to contact them again, and should start to adapt with the new ones. After 7 years, I feel totally tired. Too much tears, too much lost, and love that I gave... but the thing that makes me happy is, they ever be something encouraging in my  life, and the fact they left me is because they are ready to live in another life.

Then my school's best friends mostly are not here anymore, they are continuing their life somewhere else far away. And I remember how last winter, Abbie, Melanie M, Kathryn K etc are helping me to leave this place, leaving everyone that I love here. my bestfriends at school start to think how sad if im going to leave them. But that beautiful plan wasn't works well, so I still live here. Since that time until now I think I already said goodbyes again to almost 10 other people that i really love, including my brother mas Ariel and my best friend Archie. I think I almost always say goodbye to 5 or more people that I love every year. So I think in these 8 painful years I already say goodbye to almost 40 people that I always care about.
Kayla and Craig might be leave this year too... then I bet I should prepare my eyes and heart to cry for more goodbyes.

That is why last year I almost to build walls on my heart, so I won't love my friends too much, so I won't feel super sad if they leave me. But I can't help it, If i accept someone as my friend, I will love them a lot.

I have a great friend that lately always keep in touch with me. I don't want to mention a name here. But because we are have different sex, a.ka he is a male, everyone start to build a gossip about us. I dunno why since after the winter break everyone gossiping on us. I'm just afraid if the good relations that we build these days gonna be gone. Im a kind of person that afraid with gossip, when i was still super immature, I ever have this kind of situations too, the first one is my male friend is the one who stop talking to me and our friendship is ended. The second one I was the one who stop talking and end up our friendship. This time I almost decided to stop this friendship. but then I think again, he is the kind of genuine friend, he is a total comforter (almost more than my other comforter like G,A or T) He is a good person, he seems like the good one. I think I told him the real me, the one that most of my college friends doesn't know about, so I don't want to stop this friendship at least now, because i dunno why but he is trusted.. But if our friendship ended because this gossip, then I can't do anything else, it is hard to rebuild a building you know...

But I wanna say a big thanks for everyone who still here, I mean here in my heart or here in this town like the friends from Organization, SF friends, ex school friends, College friends and SA friends. I'm still praying for the ones who already left me, the ones who still in contact with me and the ones who never reply me anymore.. I still love you.
And about the couple goodbye? mm... I don't really care about that now.. the last time I said goodbye to my ex was.. almost 2 years ago hahahaha...

Lots of love

Cinta Carnelian

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